June 2008


Currently ..

Reading: A.S. Byatt’s Babel Tower , The Historian, The Mists of Avalon

Watching: the window, nothing on tv

Wondering: If diet soda really does make you fat (if so I’m screwed), why I always seem to have bills, if putting amusing liberal bumper stickers makes me a bit of a jerk (my latest acquisition is “it will be a great day when our schools get the money they need and the air force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber”)

Wishing: I had more money, Grey’s Anatomy would be back, I was be walking on a beach warm enough where I could actually go in the water

 

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Dang.

When you have been busy for so long and then you suddenly aren’t….what to do? Here I am, in a different city, with no acquaintances save for family, and a little useless. Of course, there are things I COULD do, like move empty boxes into storage, or clean the kitchen floor. All things which have the same sort of effectiveness against boredom as phrases your mom told you when you wouldn’t eat – I’m sorry but starving people in China never persuaded any 5-year-old.

Even 200 channels on Tv can’t hold my attention for long, and thus I find myself going back to the keys, typing…

Sooner or later I’m going to have to start writing something worthwhile, right?

Stay tuned.

Some San Francisco moments…and I’m not a tourist, for I now live in the North Bay. And anything with the world ‘Bay’ in it is better than Sacramento…

I’m finding that one of the strangest phenomenons in life occurs when, while traveling on a straight path through life, you find yourself inevitably back where you started. In this case, literally.

But it’s inevitably different.

After 20 some years of moving around, going to school, and meandering in general, I find myself back in Penngrove, on the same property where I was first “socialized” — in the Freudian sense. I walk down the gravel path to the house I first called home for 4 years, and it almost feels like another life. But, I suppose it was.

Transitional periods, as they are commonly called, are suppossed to be comforting. “It’s only a transitional period,” they say, trying to reassure you that the impulse to run around in circles while alternating between screaming, crying, and laughing, is normal, expected even. But the trouble with this kind of advice is that it does NOTHING, because all you can really do is wait for things to stop transitioning.

But do they? And when life stands still, do we not stand in the midst and declare boredom, or depression? I’m rather inclined to think that every moment in life is some kind of transition, and we are partly immune to the sensation – like not feeling the spin of the earth. And for this I thank whatever needs thanking.

It’s odd, because we think we are the same person – but we’re not, technically we have a brand-spanking-new body ever 8 years or so. You are not the same cells you were when you were a baby, or eight, or 14 (thank God). But usually we don’t wake up and suddenly feel different – it creeps up on us quietly. But change that occurs outside ourselves, that’s the bitch; it hides in the grass like a tiger, slowly flexing it’s muscles, winding up for the pounce that will really knock us on our ass.

Sometimes change is hard to see, sometimes it cannot be ignored. In my current case, it is impossible to ignore. Suddenly, all in the course of a few hours I’ve left Sacramento and Davis with all my wordly possessions and moved to the country where I first became worldly.

There are perks, of course. I will (soon) have my own house rent free, I can walk outside into nature without climbing stairs or driving 40 minutes, and I’m free of the petulance that is Sacramento. Plus I spot the occasional llama, deer, and rabbit – and the less occasional turkey, cat, or horse – which is oddly reassuring. (maybe it’s because in disaster movies the animals always leave before bad stuff happens).

One blink, and everything around me is different. To me, change is neither bad nor good – like pretty much everything in life it’s both, at all the appropriate and innappropriate times.

And, in the words of the song I’m listening to, Davis – “I’m not over you just yet, you’re not that easy to forget.”

I have not written in a long time, which I blame partly on me finishing my thesis, and being generally busy. I could blame it on studying, but let’s face it, I don’t really study – I just read.

As of right now, I am done with all academic related activities at UC Davis. Production at the paper is over, finals are over. And it hasn’t really hit me yet, but I keep getting this feeling like I should be upset. Which I am, a little, because my life is about to change dramatically. Moving, grad school, general upset of all normality.

But what hasn’t really sunk in yet is the knowledge that I will never again go to class in Olson, sit in those dreadfully uncomfortable iron chairs, or charge dodads I don’t need to my student account. How can college be over?! It is so clique, but it really does feel like only yesterday that I moved in to the dorms and lived with evil heat-loving roomates.

Overall I think I am just happy with what I have accomplished here at Davis. (Here’t the part where I brag) I’m graduating with honors and have been recognized by my department.

A part of me wished I could simply stay in class forever, but the other knows I need a change. If only change could occur without me having to move all my stuff….I have lots of books. Heavy books.

Wanto to help me move?