June 2009


Today I would like to remind you of a classic example of British humor, which I personally feel kicks the proverbial ass of American humor. I’ve decided to add my little comments in brackets, because, well, it’s my blog and I’d like to prove just how clever Monty Python writing actually is. Clever, well-researched writing – what a concept…

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Who goes there?
King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Pull the other one! [Maybe if he wasn’t riding a coconut it would be more convincing]
King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. [FYI, Patsy is both masculine and feminine , it comes from Martha (what?!) and Patrick, which means “nobleman.” Ironic, no?] We have ridden the length and breadth [Old English for width] of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur: Yes!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You’re using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You’ve got two empty halves of coconut and you’re bangin’ ’em together.
King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, [Mercia was one of the kingdoms of the Anglo-Saxon Heptarchy, that was centered on the River Trent in the region now known as the English Midlands} through…
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Where’d you get the coconuts?
King Arthur: We found them.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut’s tropical!
King Arthur: What do you mean?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Well, this is a temperate zone
King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin [A migratory passerine bird]  or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur: Well, it doesn’t matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
King Arthur: Please!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Am I right? [Yes.]

Ah, the classic combination of silliness, science, and Arthurian literature. Heaven.

 

P.S. Don’t google “coconuts” or “swallows.” Bad things happen.

For some reason, I am more completely aware of time slowly passing while waiting for nail polish to dry.

Today is better than yesterday!

I find myself in an odd state.

This morning I woke up at 3am to work at 4am. I might also add that only a short time ago I was going to bed at  3am – my body is going through early morning shock, though frankly, 3am shouldn’t be called morning at all. What’s wrong with this picture?

Life is full of trade offs. By going to work early I get home in the morning with the whole day ahead of me, but of course going to bed at a decent enough time to get some sleep is proving difficult. This is not a job I can see myself doing for a very long time, though I really hate to give up the hefty Gap Inc. discount (50% off at Banana Republic? Swoon).

But honestly, from where I sit right now, summer is looking a little dismal – no trips planned, work 3 or 4 days a week. And while I live in the beautiful country, I haven’t been able to really enjoy it, due to the my friend, the allergies. I want to travel, to go away to someplace where there are no allergies, or at least get a health plan that covers Allegra, which has never gone generic, and insists on being over-priced.

I think I need cheering up.

 

It’s odd how the end of the job search can be so sudden and yet, at the same time, very anti-climactic. in After searching for a summer job since February, after attending several interviews which seemed very lovely but came to no success (I blame not being hired for summer camps because of all the teachers flooding the job market) I finally got a call: Someone wants me.

And mind you, this is not my dream job. This does not utilize my UC degree, nor my grad school-skills, and has no real place in my future. However, it will get me out the house while my father, returning from UCI for the summer, stays in my house. (Plus it will pay the bills for my new very fantastic cell phone. Yip!) But economic beggars can’t be choosers, it seems. Plus I get to play with clothes all day.

So I received the call that I was hired on May 23rd, and was told I would start on June 1st. Great, I thought. Just enough time to lay around being bored, I thought. HA! they said. Not so fast. Fast forward to Monday, when they call and say that I’m now going to have to come in June 9th and 11th instead. Honestly, by the time it takes to find a summer job, get hired, and go through paperwork and training, there is no more summer left!

(Though they don’t know I’m only planning to work the summer…it’s not like I’m going to jeopardize school and teaching for a little more than minimum wage.)

When you know you’re going to have to work soon, but not too soon, it first seems like freedom. Then, the freedom turns into something like anticipation, which turns to furrowed brows and yelling “Just start already!!”

Also, I think the weather has become aware that I recently acquired a watercraft that should be used in warm weather. How come finals week has an extreme heat wave, and summer is filled with wind and rain? Hmmmm?

Thus I have spent more time indoors, shopping indoors, and working out indoors. This is an odd thing; have you ever discovered some random muscle that is completely weak compared to the rest of your body? As in the machine on the lowest weight setting feels like you’re lifting an anvil? Just wondering…

To explain, no sum up, I re-watched The Princess Bride again last night. Oh, the awesomeness.  Following is a chart describing said awesomeness. That is all.

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This morning, I woke up feeling old. Why, you ask? Because last night was the airing of the highly-anticipated, or should I say highly-marketed, MTV movie awards.

Sigh. I am beginning to feel that I am not their target audience. [Insert sigh of relief]

Honestly, the only reason I was watching was to see the New Moon preview (I know, I judge me too) which I really could have just seen online the next day. And I had to put up with a constant sense of inner-embarrassment while watching – the same feeling I got when Katherine Heigl started singing in 27 Dresses. But then I would have missed Sacha Baron Cohen flashing his lady parts in Eminem’s face.  And let’s just set the record straight – of course the stunt was planned and Eminem’s “storming off” was expected, even though they deny it. He was miked! And it’s not like they mike everyone in the audience, because frankly, we don’t need to hear the incoherent ramblings of front-row Paris Hilton.

They really should of titled the show ‘This is not the Oscars’ because, honestly, no decent movie stood a chance against Twilight and its twitter-enabled posse.  And I think the actors knew how ridiculous it all was – well, I hope they did. One blogger’s comment that Robert Pattison and Kristin Stewart were stoned out of their minds was probably the funniest thing to see – honestly even if it’s not true it still cracks me up.

And even though the show was obviously aimed at the hormone-crowd, the jokes were surprisingly dirty. And don’t get me wrong, I love a good sexual joke now and then, but they were just….cheap. And isn’t the d*ck in a box joke ages old?

Come on people.

Maybe if those screaming girls picked up a book other that Twilight now and then…Stephanie Meyers’ writing is like a hostess cupcake; you might crave it and it has an occasional place in your diet, but if it was all you ever ate, you’d die.

I will, however, say that Jim Carry was quite funny. Which just shows that certain people can still shine while surrounded by low-brow teenage entertainment.

Ok, done ranting.

Wait! One more thing, the CGI wolf was a little too…fluffy.

But on a more ‘artsy’ note, the movie itself looked better; better color, costumes, etc. The makeup actually looks professional. And whoever is working on the film must have realized that a foggy cold forest doesn’t have to be entirely gray. Thank you!

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P.S. I want this cake.

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