December 2009


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(my very own FAIL, how nice.)

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Things are beginning to settle in a little bit.

While driving to Latin yesterday, I came to the realization that me deciding not to apply to ph.d programs now was one of the best things I did all year. If I had put lots of work (not to mention $$$$) into applications only to be unable to attend another school in the Fall, I would be….upset.

Therefore my feeling that all things happen for a reason is renewed – I don’t have to like it all, but I think I’ve ceased to worry about it so much.

Aha!

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that this is the coldest winter I have experienced for a long time; we’re talking ice-on-your-car cold, when you have to pour water on your windshield cold, and when that water promptly freezes cold. Brrrr. (and yet, I do love it.)

Meanwhile….

I wish that I could send out a general announcement: “please withhold all potentially negative information till the end of finals.”

But, life offers no such public P.A. system, unfortunately.

A week ago, I was thinking how crazy it was that I was done with regular grad-classes and would be writing my thesis soon, graduating right after that. Now it looks like that is not happening, partly from my fault, partly due to the shit that is the GRE Lit, partly due to the unyielding nature of the Graduate Advisor. From where I sit now, I think I’m going to have to stick around for another semester, and write my thesis in the Fall.

Now I know that I was ahead of schedule anyway, and most people don’t finish in two years, and I’m quite younger than other people in my program, but I have to say, this sticks in my craw. I don’t do delays. One hiccup and I feel like a total failure.

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But it all makes me wonder why I feel so deflated; is it my academic perfectionist-tendency or the pressure of outside sources? Usually I’m able to brush things off pretty quickly in life, but school has always been my safe place, my shelter from all the other annoyances in life (not to say that grad school is one GIANT pain in the neck sometimes). But I feel like this shelter has been breached.

I guess it wouldn’t be grad school without some sense of discomfort, inadequacy, and uncertainty about life!

But I still can’t shake the desire to stamp my feet and shout “I wanna graduate NOOOOOOWWW!”

If I’m looking on the bright side (forcefully) I guess I could say that this gives me more time to put off my paying my student loans and to avoid joining the “real world.” And the silver lining? Because I have to now take another seminar so I keep my financial aid next semester, I’m going to have a weekly opportunity to sit for 4 hours and stare at the same man who said “I will not make an exception for you on the grounds you have suggested.” Yay!

Let’s hope he doesn’t remember me only as the grad student who ff’d up her schedule. Hmmm.

Now I need to push all this out of my head so I can get back to the task at hand: writing two seminar papers.