“And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.”

“He must be a king.
Why?
He hasn’t got shit all over him.”

n 

That is all.

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Today I would like to remind you of a classic example of British humor, which I personally feel kicks the proverbial ass of American humor. I’ve decided to add my little comments in brackets, because, well, it’s my blog and I’d like to prove just how clever Monty Python writing actually is. Clever, well-researched writing – what a concept…

1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Who goes there?
King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Pull the other one! [Maybe if he wasn’t riding a coconut it would be more convincing]
King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. [FYI, Patsy is both masculine and feminine , it comes from Martha (what?!) and Patrick, which means “nobleman.” Ironic, no?] We have ridden the length and breadth [Old English for width] of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur: Yes!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You’re using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You’ve got two empty halves of coconut and you’re bangin’ ’em together.
King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, [Mercia was one of the kingdoms of the Anglo-Saxon Heptarchy, that was centered on the River Trent in the region now known as the English Midlands} through…
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Where’d you get the coconuts?
King Arthur: We found them.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut’s tropical!
King Arthur: What do you mean?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Well, this is a temperate zone
King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin [A migratory passerine bird]  or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur: Well, it doesn’t matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
King Arthur: Please!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Am I right? [Yes.]

Ah, the classic combination of silliness, science, and Arthurian literature. Heaven.

 

P.S. Don’t google “coconuts” or “swallows.” Bad things happen.