New blog-look, what do we think?

It’s not a new year yet, but I feel the need for a change. And since I can’t bring myself to change my actual life, changing something is a small consolation.

The truth is, I’m unsure of what to do with my life. Or rather, there are several possibilities of what that might be, but they remain only possibilities. About 3 years ago right before choosing a grad school I found myself in a period of uncertainty, and I’m going to just say it: it leaves much to be desired. Literally.

I know it’s completely clique in this day and age to ask for something as simple and leading as a sign, but…. sometimes it’s all I can think of.

 

Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard

  Are sweeter; therefore, ye soft pipes, play on;

Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear’d,

  Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone:

Fair youth, beneath the trees, thou canst not leave 

  Thy song, nor ever can those trees be bare;

    Bold Lover, never, never canst thou kiss,

Though winning near the goal—yet, do not grieve;

    She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss

 

It reminds me of this Keats poem; is it better to remain in a frozen state, stuck right before the moment of fulfillment, when everything is possible, nothing denied? I wonder.

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As ‘they’ say, there’s a calm before the storm, but what about after? When all the excitement or destruction has moved on and the dust has settled, what’s left? I don’t think it could be called calm….and if it did, well I guess we’d better expect another storm.

Whoever said that things will inevitably return to normal was also a little…off. Because once things have gone through so many changes, who the heck knows what this normal is or how to recognize it, and of course the previous normal isn’t normal anymore at all! If I move to another house, but have the same furniture and wear the same clothes and put my morning coffee in the same mug, does that mean I’m back to normal? Even if all my things are arranged in different ways and I drink my coffee at a different time because I no longer have to wake up at the same time? And when does normal start? When boredom sets in?

The sticky is, once we get through the changes and start to get bored of them, we look around and wish things would be ‘exciting’ – we want a life that thrills us, but without all the anxiety and strife that comes from the rush. Another rub comes from the fact that no one can really tell you what your normal will turn out to be – in fact, this is one area where cliche is often right, take the “one man’s trash is another’s treasure” or “the grass is always greener on the other side” for example. But all society seems to tell is that our concerns aren’t really our own – they belong to our angsty greater social consciousness. Therefore any solutions that get thrown at us aren’t exactly tailored to any specific needs, so they usually fail.

It remains that the majority of real help we get comes from within us, and not from some giant psycological library. Most ‘breakthroughs’ in therapy are achived when the patient is able to use a part of their own mind to illuminate another area. Certainly someone is needed to show the patient the way in, but the real work is not done by the therapist (sorry Freud). Maybe that’s why we get so lonely these days, we get stuck in our own minds when everything around us is screaming “come outside and listen to what we have to say!!”

So here I am, sitting, looking around and wondering if this is what my life is, now. Which isn’t a bad thing. And another thought: having a very adorable and furry kitten sit on your lap and purr is very reassuring. Plus, since she keeps trying to sit on my laptop, I think I must stop writing now.

Maybe it’s a good idea if the other shoe never drops.

The start of my last quarter at UC Davis….

I feel somewhat confused about the whole thing; some moments I can’t wait to be done and others I’m sad because I will never have another April 1st on this campus. I want the future to come but now that I know what it is going to entail I’m hesitant. Grad school doesn’t worry me, but there is this thing sticking me in the back of my mind, and I can’t tell what it is.

The truth is, I know that I need a change in my life. It’s like moving out of your parent’s house; it just isn’t home anymore. And yet, UCD is my home; it’s the one place where I feel completely at ease and in place. Will I find this feeling somewhere else?

I usually believe that everything happens for a reason. Since my grad school was basically chosen for me rather than me chosing it, I hold onto the thought that some other force is leading me there. I hope so. It also led me away from living with my dad at UC Irvine because he is also going back to school, for a reason I’m not quite sure of. A hobby maybe?

Now that I’ve been ‘freed’ from getting my Ph.d right away (I’m in a master’s program) there are all these other possibilites I can see. Ph.ds become professors, but I could do anything. I could work in publishing or go back to an old idea to go to law school – not that I want to become a lawyer but maybe to work in policy. It would be amazing to work in say, London or at a US embassy in Europe.

Someday….

I want a house in Wales or part of the UK. With goats- ok maybe just one goat. Some cute house on the coast where it’s foggy and cold but also beautiful. But for now I’ll settle for a little house a couple miles from grad school.

This house actually exists. And it’s so quite there at night compared to the city that my ears buzz from the lack of ambient noise. Hopefully they will stop buzzing after awhile…