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Did you ever think about a project so much that it seems like it will never actually be realized?

I’ve officially begun the thesis, and by that I mean: I have my specific topic/claim, and it’s been declared “great” by my adviser. Hurrah!

I’ve been reading, thinking, doodling, brainstorming, fantasizing – but at this point, I haven’t actually started the writing… It’s so strange to think that within the next year I will have finished it, and finished my degree entirely. Done already??

I already miss regular seminars – does this mean I should keep going in school? Or will I always be one of those people who simply loves it. There’s a point in the lives of most adults, it seems, where you make the decision between getting a job and continuing to do the thing you never get sick of – and if you’re lucky enough those things coincide.

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But the thesis. I’m beginning to think that it’s like that first plunge into cold water: you can slowly “adjust” yourself in all you want, but until you jump in and immerse yourself you will never really get used to your surroundings.

It all feels a bit like I’m back in elementary school, staring down the high dive, telling myself that walking down the stairs is not an option.

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But the hardest part of any project, for me, is simply getting words on the paper. Ten pages of crap is better than zero pages of “great ideas,” in my opinion. Bring on the crap!

image But I’d like to see those smurfs…

 

I feel like it’s been a very long time since I’ve written here, and guess what; it has been quite a bit.

I don’t know if I have ever felt, or been, for that matter, so busy in my life. I am seriously missing last year, formerly known as year one of grad school, where I had blissful days without school during the week. But this year, it’s Monday to Thursday with no gaps. Every moment I am either scheduled to be in a classroom somewhere, or I’m home, where I should be doing something related to said classroom. Basically, by the time the weekend is gone and Monday rolls around, the week is already flying away.

I can’t decide what the proverbial straw is exactly, but I do know that I am one seriously burn-out grad student (and not in the fun way). Maybe it’s the teaching, and having to think up things to fill 4 hours a week with that will magically improve my student’s writing. Maybe it’s the 4 classes, and all the studying that Latin in particular requires. Maybe it’s the 4am nights I keep pulling on myself.

On the bright side, I’ve given up some things (partially induced by my mom’s diagnosis of Celiac’s disease or gluten-freeness, partially by the annoyance of pinchy clothes) and the bit of weight that I have wanted to lose for years has finally started to flutter away…

But I’m still 85% overwhelmed most of the time.

The thoughts I had of applying to ph.D programs have been shelved, temporarily or not, due to the fact that the 6 years I’ve already (consecutively) spend in college is getting a little too much.

I need a break. A vacation. A new view.

A part of me also really wants to get out there (wherever there is, exactly) and get a job. The other part of me, however, is spooked by the lame California economy and the fact that I will have to start paying off the multiplicity of student loans I have thus far collected. Kind of makes you want to stay in college forever, doesn’t it….

But don’t get me wrong, it’s not books or reading I’m mad at.

Homework and essay-writing on the other hand, is not my best friend right now.

Why can’t I just pack up a little bag, hang it on a stick, and run away down the street?

The problem is, the adult in me knows exactly why I can’t.

Stink.

Ok, I’m done whining now. 😀

Tune in next time in a few months, when I’ll be whining about a new topic: My thesis!!

I have not written in a long time, which I blame partly on me finishing my thesis, and being generally busy. I could blame it on studying, but let’s face it, I don’t really study – I just read.

As of right now, I am done with all academic related activities at UC Davis. Production at the paper is over, finals are over. And it hasn’t really hit me yet, but I keep getting this feeling like I should be upset. Which I am, a little, because my life is about to change dramatically. Moving, grad school, general upset of all normality.

But what hasn’t really sunk in yet is the knowledge that I will never again go to class in Olson, sit in those dreadfully uncomfortable iron chairs, or charge dodads I don’t need to my student account. How can college be over?! It is so clique, but it really does feel like only yesterday that I moved in to the dorms and lived with evil heat-loving roomates.

Overall I think I am just happy with what I have accomplished here at Davis. (Here’t the part where I brag) I’m graduating with honors and have been recognized by my department.

A part of me wished I could simply stay in class forever, but the other knows I need a change. If only change could occur without me having to move all my stuff….I have lots of books. Heavy books.

Wanto to help me move?